I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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