so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
