im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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