I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
