Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
