Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize