i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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