I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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