I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
