And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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