I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
