Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
