I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
