How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
