i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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