True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
