I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
