i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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