i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
