I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
