The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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