They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
