If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize