Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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