when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
