This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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