I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
