So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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