I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
