i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
