I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
