he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
