Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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