she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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