Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
