his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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