I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
