it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
