glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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