my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
