Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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