Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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