i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So squirting runs in the family.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
