It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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