never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
