She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Green mimosas i think yes
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize