I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
