you would pick up someone in the library
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
