i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
