Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
