"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
