dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if only i could text you this smell
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
