Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
