As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
