Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
one might say we're banned from that church
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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