She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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