If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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